Hurt
by MinaBR
Summary: Christmas. A piano on a frozen lake. Scattered pages of a man's diary. A brother's quest for answers.
1. Chapter 1

As the sorrowful wind stubbornly blew the pages of his brother's diary way, Edward struggled to gather as many as he could in the vain hope that they could somehow assuage his pain. Defeated, he fell to the piano's bench, unmindful of the falling snow. Clutching to his chest the few ones he'd been able to retrieve, Edward felt tormented by the eerie beauty of the frozen lake, the final stage of his brother's tragic story. Warily, he started to scan the random notes. No dates, no chronological order, nothing as mundane as structure to guide Edward through the maze of Jasper's fractured mind.


	2. Chapter 2

_They say it's a symptom of some disease.  
_

 _They say it's a call for attention._

 _Self-centered and blind._

 _All of them._

 _I just need to make it real. I just need to feel in the flesh what tortures my soul. I just need to see the blood pouring from my veins.  
_

 _It makes all real._

 _It's just so I know I still am, that I have not faded to the black whole within._

 _I don't need their attention._

 _I don't want them to see me._

 _Judge me._

 _I just need to feel the blade cutting through the layers of deceitful matter keeping my soul prisoner.  
_

 _Let me be, let me be…_


	3. Chapter 3

_Depressed._

 _Borderline._

 _Bipolar._

 _I laugh at their pathetic attempts at boxing me into some concept they can understand._

 _I am and that's enough for me._

 _But not for the white coats … the jailors seeking to keep me in the prison of mediocrity._

 _Shoving pills down my throat. Depriving me of all that makes me… well, me._

 _But I don't give up. They all have given up on me, but I refuse to give up on myself._

 _I fight. Sometimes I win. More often I lose and end up strapped to the bed._

 _Contemplating the ceiling._

 _Hurting from the restraints._

 _Resenting fate._

 _Hating them._

 _Fight until the end…_


	4. Chapter 4

_Today I found a tiny little cat. It was all alone and trembling. I tried to follow the rules. But I couldn't leave it there. It would die. I just wanted to help, but mom said no. She told me to get rid of it. My heart ached so bad I thought I was dying. The kitten wasn't a thing. It had feelings. Like fear. Hunger. Loneliness. How could I just abandon it?_

 _I begged mom, dad, even Edward. No one understands. I just couldn't let it go to suffer all alone. I felt so small. Powerless. I did the only thing I could to save it._

 _I broke its neck._

 _He will never have to suffer again._


	5. Chapter 5

For some unfathomable reason Edward recalled with perfection the day his callous teenager self had denied assistance to his distressed little brother. And he couldn't help but wonder if that had been the pivotal time in which his brother's empathy and sensitivity had turned into a torment of the soul. Unbidden, tears clouded his vision and he let them fall. That sweet little boy deserved to be mourned.

He'd asked for so little.

And he'd still been denied.

For a second he doubted the wisdom of prying into his brother's private memories. However, the need to know was greater than desire to spare himself from the pain of fully understanding the extent of Jasper's catastrophic existence.


	6. Chapter 6

_Since the day my eyes rested on her smiling face I knew I had found my soulmate. In the warmth of her embrace I discovered the meaning of life. In her presence I experience all those little things I've been denied. She effortlessly fills the void in my soul just by being herself. I never knew how desperately I craved this feeling of connection to another human being until she came along._

 _Too bad all of these feelings are not meant to last._

 _Darkness looms. She will leave soon._

 _I can't even hate him for that._

 _She has always been his._

 _Never mine._


	7. Chapter 7

_College is all it was cracked out to be. And more. Too bad the first year is already almost over. Yes, studying for finals suck. For those who bother to. Why would I? I want to stay here forever! I wonder if they will let me? Life here is so good. Why give up such an awesome time?_

 _Girls are so easy it's almost not fun anymore._

 _Almost._

 _Not to mention the partying, the booze and the pranks._

 _Boobs beware, you terror is coming!_

 _Looool_

 _I meant noobs, but the boobs are not safe either._

 _Here I am happy._

 _Here I can pretend to be someone other than myself._

 _And that's everything._


	8. Chapter 8

_A tear in the membranes allows the voices in._

 _Maybe it is a result of a high fever, maybe I am simply malformed._

 _But the tear is there. I just know it._

 _I keep asking them for a tomography–I have to prove to them that my brain is unprotected._

 _All three of the membranes rendered useless by a hole the size of a pin needle. How ironic, isn't it?_

 _They refuse to acknowledge that my brain isn't sick, just vulnerable._

 _All they have to do is stitch the membranes back together._

 _My problem is physiological._

 _I don't need their meds._

 _They can't help me._


	9. Chapter 9

_Today my brother left for college._

 _I shouldn't be sad. He is a prick. He is never nice to me._

 _But I am an idiot, because I sort of think I will miss him._

 _More to the point I will miss the possibility of him._

 _I mean, I'd like to have a brother._

 _To know him._

 _To rely on him._

 _To support him when he needed._

 _All this sentimental crap that always gets me teased._

 _Now he is gone and will be starting an adult life away from home._

 _And I will always wonder…_

 _Deep down, who my brother truly is?_


	10. Chapter 10

A cup of hot coffee was put in his cold hand bringing Edward back from the well of misery within his soul. The delicacy of his wife's gesture was greatly appreciated, mainly because she didn't hover, allowing him the privacy to read. Feeling almost guilty for enjoying some warmth when his brother would forever be deprived of it, Edward felt once again as a failure. Even though he'd tried to reach out to Jasper in recent years, it seemed that the tone of their relationship had been set a long time ago, before either had the maturity to contemplate the consequences of their actions …

Before Edward could understand how much it hurt to lose someone you never knew.


	11. Chapter 11

_Today Edward Sr. punished me._

 _I won't call him "daddy" anymore._

 _"_ _Daddy" is someone who understands._

 _"_ _Daddy" is someone who helps._

 _"_ _Daddy" is someone who loves._

 _And Edward Sr. isn't like that._

 _He yells all the time. He makes me cry._

 _He always gets angrier when I cry._

 _He says I should be like Edward._

 _Can't he see I am not Edward?_

 _I need his hugs, not his anger._

 _But it doesn't matter. I will imagine a new daddy for myself._

 _He will tell me stories and make me feel good.  
_

 _He will hug me before I go to bed._

 _He won't care that I am different._


	12. Chapter 12

_Today I had to put my best friend out of her misery. Her tired body needed to rest after a life well lived, even though her spirit still shined young through her hazel eyes._

 _My only friend for the past sixteen years._

 _How does one face such misery? And on Christmas Eve, no less?_

 _I saw how worried she was with how I am going to cope with her death._

 _Altruistic till the end._

 _I wish I could tell her I am going to be ok. But I can't lie. Not to her._

 _Today I am less because I lost a big part of me._

 _I will forever love you, Lassie._


	13. Chapter 13

_Taking Maria to my brother's wedding was a supreme form of insult._

 _And they had to take it because they are all too polite to throw a fit._

 _Hypocrites._

 _I've made sure they knew she is not my girlfriend._

 _I've made it a point to horrify then with the gore details of what goes on between us._

 _Funny thing, I didn't even have to make stuff up._

 _However, whatever enjoyment I took from shocking them was short lived._

 _The pity in the bride's eyes was just too much to handle. It was as if she knew, as if she could see through me, as if she cared…_

 _Poor stupid heart still wanting to believe the impossible…_


	14. Chapter 14

_There was a sadness in my mother's face that betrayed some measure of affection. So unlike Edward Sr.'s…_

 _It was that spark of something akin to love that swayed me towards taking my meds voluntarily._

 _Perhaps I am getting old, perhaps I've been here one too many times…_

 _I don't know._

 _Maybe I just want to conform. What is the harm in wanting to be normal?_

 _Normal people seem happy enough. Unlike me._

 _What do I have to show for all of my thirty nine years on Earth?_

 _A notebook._

 _No friends._

 _A family that barely acknowledges me._

 _And the most amazing dog in the whole world._

 _My pride and joy._


	15. Chapter 15

_I just feel like punching a fucking wall._

 _I am fucking tired of those idiot boys thinking they can push me around._

 _These fucking cunts snubbing me because they think I am a scrawny piece of shit._

 _If only they knew how I made my much older and much bigger brother bleed they would tremble in fear._

 _They would open their legs and let me do my business._

 _And then maybe I wouldn't feel so edgy all the time._

 _Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I am a shove away from shooting all of them._

 _Maybe then I would find some peace and feel like myself again._


	16. Chapter 16

_They say I am getting better, but I don't fell it._

 _All the things that torment me are still here, I just don't find the will to voice them. Or act on them._

 _It's like being trapped in that moment right before you fall asleep – still conscious of my surroundings, but too numb to interact with it._

 _But my family seems so happy with my progress that I can't find it in myself to complain. I pretend to be normal. Go along with the charade._

 _Even my brother has been visiting me._

 _I almost feel like happiness is lurking in the corner._

 _Almost._


	17. Chapter 17

_"_ _Even my brother has been visiting me."_

The phrase cut deep. As if him caring about Jasper were an occurrence so rare that it merited an "even". No, he'd never understood Jasper or even bothered to help as much as he should, but deep in his heart Edward had always loved his brother.

His love was discreet–shown through gestures that most of the time went unnoticed. Like the time Jasper attacked him for no apparent reason and he'd refrained from telling their father about the incident. Or how he'd systematically ignored Jasper's overzealousness towards his wife.

Maybe it hadn't been enough, but it was all he could have offered. And it pained him to know that it hadn't been enough.


	18. Chapter 18

_Beneath their pretty words lies nothing but deceit._

 _I was merely having fun like any other college kid. So what if I disappeared for a couple of months? An extended spring break isn't that unusual._

 _I was part of a crowd, the king of the party until they yanked me away and made me different again._

 _Why were they so worried? So I dabbled with drugs and alcohol. It's normal. Wasn't that the whole point?_

 _So what if I spent a lot of money? Having fun is not cheap._

 _And yes, I even forgot my journal._

 _But I only write when I am unhappy._

 _And I was so, so happy. I could barely handle it. So happy I couldn't stop. So happy I couldn't sleep._

 _So happy I could only compulsively look for more happiness._


	19. Chapter 19

_The bandages around my wrists seem to mock me._

 _What a waste of flesh and space._

 _I can't even die properly._

 _Worst of all, she'd been the one to find me._

 _My one true love._

 _It was supposed to be a testament of my love for her. One final act._

 _But she came too early. The letter I wrote neglected, while the paramedics struggled to save my life, ruining my masterpiece._

 _Now she will never know._

 _Will never understand that it was for her._

 _And I can't live with the knowledge that I thoroughly betrayed my brother by allowing my foolish heart to fall for Bella._


	20. Chapter 20

_Relentless teasing._

 _Weird looks._

 _None of that matters when I hold my sweetheart's hand when we walk on the beach. I could chalk it all up to wanting to protect her from heartbreak, but it's more than that._

 _In her company I rediscovered the beauty of untarnished hope and unending dreams._

 _Alice is who she is and makes no excuses for that. She accepts herself._

 _I love her._

 _Not in the way she professes to love me, of course._

 _To me she is just a sweet child._

 _But I see he worry in her father's eyes. I respect that._

 _Besides, it's about time I leave Cabo anyway._

 _I am a kid on Spring Break._

 _It's time to get freaky!_


	21. Chapter 21

_The voices talk to me all the time._

 _I can't get them to shut up._

 _They don't let me speak._

 _You see, I know they are not really here._

 _I know it._

 _But when you don't sleep you get confused._

 _Despaired._

 _You follow their lead in the hope that compliance will shut them up._

 _But they never stop._

 _Never a quiet moment._

 _I just want to be alone and away from them._

 _Because I don't know anymore._

 _I don't know what is me and what is them._

 _It's almost as if we were one._

 _Which we are because since it's all in my head._

 _And all that is in my head is actually just me._

 _Right?_

 _I don't know anymore._

 _I just don't understand._

 _I am drowning._

 _Save me._


	22. Chapter 22

Edward had always wondered if his brother was capable of discerning between reality and what only existed in his mind. Apparently, he'd oversimplified the matter. The lines between sanity and madness were blurrier than he'd believed, his brother's mind struggling to reconcile knowledge with experience.

Wondering if ignorance truly is bliss, Edward pondered on the matter of Jasper high intelligence. Had he been less intelligent would he have dealt better with his illness? Had he been less sensitive would he have found some measure of peace? Maybe the ability to constantly question everything wasn't that much of a blessing. Maybe all his brother had need was a little bit of … less.

Less brain.

Less heart.

Less soul.

Jasper would have been less, but wouldn't he have been happier?

The thought had Edward fighting the urge to punch something.


	23. Chapter 23

_The walk through the woods was the thing of nightmares, but it was the humid heat that really got to me. But with the help of a native I finally found the place deeply buried in the Amazon Forest._

 _For hours we danced and chanted. Despite being unable to understand most of their words I relished the energy permeating the air._

 _Then came the time for it._

 _Ayahuasca. The entheogen tea._

 _And I found it. The God in me._

 _In the middle of the forest I saw snowflakes surrounding me as I stood over a frozen lake._

 _Two undefined figures joined me._

 _I felt loved._

 _Safe._

 _Connected._

 _I felt right._

 _I wish I could have stayed there forever, but Edward Sr. found me._

 _And is dragging me away from happiness once again._

* * *

 **AN:**

 ** _Ayuhasca_** _–_ is a tea concocted out of a plant mixture, used during religious ceremonies, capable of inducing altered states of consciousness, usually lasting between 4 to 8 hours after ingestion. Typical of the Amazonian Rain Forest.

 ** _Entheogen_** – a psychoactive substance used for the purpose of inducing a mystical or spiritual experience.


	24. Chapter 24

_They dared me to do it._

 _They were scared of the crazy cat lady, but pretended not to. Just like I did._

 _Jumping over the fence and getting our ball back._

 _I did it._

 _Because I needed to prove I could be cool._

 _But then I saw her._

 _The little old lady looked so sad sitting in the middle of her overgrown garden._

 _Getting our ball, I kept on playing as if all was normal._

 _But I cried that night._

 _Today I am getting back there. I will mow her lawn and try to become her friend._

 _I don't care what they say._

 _No one deserves to be that lonely or look that sad._


	25. Chapter 25

_Discussing financial projections for the incoming years is as boring as it sounds. Compounding the natural boorishness of the subject, my colleagues seem to be too marveled by their cleverness to actually work with reality._

 _The new boss, a beautiful woman of Spanish origin, seems to be beyond irritated by them. I can only pity the poor fools, for she is known in the business world for her ruthlessness. By her expressions I can even predict which ones she will fire._

 _She curiously gazes at me trying to guess what I am doing–she is too smart to be fooled. She knows I am not really taking notes._

 _Maybe I should put my journal aside._

 _Maybe I should wink at her._

 _Or maybe I should just steer away from her path._


	26. Chapter 26

_I made him proud._

 _Ambiguous feelings come from knowing this._

 _I don't care about his opinion._

 _I am elated that he cares._

 _I am disgusted because he is important._

 _I am angry that it took him so long._

 _His belated love is a prison and it's freeing. Trapped by feelings I should have overcome, freed from the lie of self-reliance._

 _On the backstage, after my triumphant come back, I touched him for the first time in years. A shake of our hands._

 _I wanted a hug._

 _To cry in his shoulder and pour my stupid heart out._

 _To say how much I love him despite it all._

 _I just wanted to call him dad._


	27. Chapter 27

_She's pregnant with my baby._

 _Most men my age would be elated, I think._

 _But I am terrified._

 _Will the baby be like me?_

 _I have to put myself back together in order to be of some use to my child._

 _No more drugs._

 _Take my meds._

 _Put my diploma to good use and get a job. Maybe Edward Sr. will help me with that, after all both of us hold a degree in Economy._

 _Working with finances for the rest of my life–talk about a grey horizon._

 _But I will have to learn how to make sacrifices. That's what being a dad is all about._

 _Right?_


	28. Chapter 28

_The way her whip kisses my skin is like having poetry written all over my body._

 _And every weekend we write verses worthy of a book._

 _Maria._

 _In her torture, I find the freedom of uncontained feeling._

 _Beneath her domain men are allowed to cry._

 _To be hesitant._

 _To need._

 _In her I found the guidance I've always lacked and the security I've always craved._

 _My boss._

 _My owner._

 _Because I belong to her I finally get to breathe._

 _I am feeling happy. Elated even. I don't even think about the wedding anymore._

 _Let him have her. Her kisses are not even that great._

 _I don't care about Bella, because I have someone who truly wants me._


	29. Chapter 29

_They are doing it again._

 _Fighting._

 _Mom and dad do a lot of that._

 _Mom tries to lie to make me feel better. She doesn't know I know. The real reason they fight._

 _Dad wants me to be like Edward. Play sports. Mom lets me be me. Play the piano._

 _And they fight._

 _I wish I could make them stop._

 _I wish I could be what dad wants._

 _But I am just me. I always try to get in the middle. But I am too small to matter–dad always tells me to shut up and go._

 _It hurts._

 _Then I sit by the piano and play. It helps me understand things. Feel things better._

 _And dad gets even angrier._

 _Every time._


	30. Chapter 30

_My brother didn't want her gift. He isn't a bad man, not really. He is just so caught up in being a stereotype that he doesn't take the time to think before running his mouth or understanding the meaning behind little gestures. One thing is undisputable, though…_

 _He doesn't deserve her._

 _So, I stepped up. I took it for myself. Maybe I shouldn't. I know they doubt my ability to care for it. But I could see in her face that she knew I understood and appreciated it. More than that, Bella knows I am going to love and cherish it._

 _I named her Lassie._


	31. Chapter 31

_Truth is I don't remember._

 _She is just another one I met while getting high._

 _Unlike the others she kept coming back._

 _I guess she is my girlfriend now._

 _Which is weird, because I came here to disconnect, to free myself from all human attachments._

 _I wanted to feel nothing._

 _That way I would never feel guilty._

 _Then I could do what I really came here to do._

 _Let myself be consumed by vice._

 _Lose my mind, my feelings, my humanity._

 _Become something other, something unknown, something apart from myself._

 _Then I could let myself die and no one would care._

 _Not my family._

 _Certainly not me_ – _t_ _oo stranged from my former self to care about the demise of a shadow._

 _But then she came along._


	32. Chapter 32

_The void stares at me, superbly tempting in its emptiness. The alluring shells whisper enticing promises of capital sins to which I gladly bend. My flesh relishes the desperate excess, basking in the overindulgence of success. Abused senses make me unfeeling and careless of my art. The tears I used to shed while performing have been replaced by anxiety._

 _Because I don't want to be on the stage anymore._

 _All of me has been consumed–where once a soul existed now there is only need for transient things and the temporary relief they bring me._

 _I am lost and I don't want to find myself._

 _I just want to let myself go._


	33. Chapter 33

Shame filled Edward as he recalled how jealous he'd been of his little brother's achievements as a musician. Despite his inauspicious beginnings, Jasper had risen beyond anyone's wildest dreams. Seemly he had defeated mental illness and had become a well adjusted man. Perceptions can be so deceiving…

One day, Jasper disappeared, but not before trying to contact Edward who had been too bitter to bother picking up the phone. For ten years, Jasper was gone. When he came back, he'd been haggard and distraught. Edward had tried to help by finding him a job at the same place he and his father worked.

But things were never the same again. Jasper had stopped reaching out to him.

Now Edward knew why.


	34. Chapter 34

_It's always the little things._

 _The way she calls me "dada"._

 _The way her eyes shine bright whenever I am around._

 _The way her little hands reach for me whenever she needs to be picked up._

 _She makes me want to be better than I am._

 _For her I manage to endure my shitty job. My awful marriage. Everything._

 _My baby girl is worth it._

 _She will grow up loved and perfect. Protected. Sure of herself.  
_

 _But for that I need to keep myself together._

 _And it's hard._

 _Because I feel like I am falling apart, that I am not adult enough to cope…_

 _But then I think of her and I manage to survive yet another day._


	35. Chapter 35

_The DNA test showed …_

 _She is not my biological daughter._

 _No longer mine._

 _Aline, you left me all alone._


	36. Chapter 36

One of the worst moments in Edward's life had been finding his little brother in the middle of the living room, stinking of alcohol and stale urine. It'd taken a lot of time and patience to cajole him out of the house and into the ambulance that waited outside. The months that followed had been terrifying for the entire family, for Jasper remained unresponsive.

It'd taken a single visit from Maria to reawaken Jasper. Despite the barely disguised contempt the whole family seemed to direct at her, Edward would be forever grateful to the harsh woman for bringing his brother back from the hell he'd endured through all of those months he spent in silence suffering all alone the loss of his beloved Aline.

However, he resented her too, for he wanted to have been the one to save Jasper. He'd tried so hard, going as far as hiring a lawyer to try to grant Jasper the right to visit the girl he'd raised as his own, but he lost.

And that's how he came to love and hate the woman who spent so many years at Jasper's side.


	37. Chapter 37

_Alice._

 _Over a cup of coffee she told me about her life over the past 25 years. The insignificant details she imparted faded away–I was too busy watching her exuberant gestures, her vibrant expressions, the untainted hope of her soul._

 _Joie de vivre._

 _The only bright spot on my Christmas Eve._

 _She does something to me. Things I don't want to name or acknowledge._

 _But they are there._

 _Maybe in another lifetime we might have been soulmates._

 _Maybe in another lifetime she might have been able to save me from my darkness._

 _But not in this one._

 _The first time I was too early._

 _The second time she was too late._


	38. Chapter 38

_My feet hurt, but soon I will have to start running again._

 _They keep on chasing me._

 _I can't really see them, but I know they are there. Sometimes I feel their claws on my back tearing up my skin. I push myself to run harder and longer._

 _But I am human and need to rest._

 _And they are not._

 _I know they will catch me eventually._

 _What will I do then?_

 _What will they do then?_

 _I wish I wasn't so lonely._

 _I wish someone cared._

 _Because I need help. Someone to guard me when I too exhausted to function._

 _Someone to be by my side._


	39. Chapter 39

_I guess men don't hug._

 _Not even when burying their spouse or their mother._

 _I had to stand there trying to hold together the falling pieces of my heart. Pretending to be strong and having dignity._

 _Truth is I have none._

 _I wanted to throw myself on the ground and cry like a little child._

 _I wanted to thank her for loving me enough to fight for me, to never give up on me, to accept the little I offered._

 _The only reason I didn't was because of the reproachful look Edward Sr. gave me. And Jr.'s pleading one._

 _Besides, now that my mom is gone who would pick me up from the floor and calm me down?_


	40. Chapter 40

_There was a certain freedom in drinking alone._

 _Just me and my whiskey._

 _No meaningless words._

 _No pretense of feeling._

 _It would have been just another Friday night, but the television was talking about me._

 _The pianist who'd made a roaring come back after disappearing for years. Only to retire right after._

 _They painted me as some sort of eccentric genius instead of the mad man I truly am._

 _Funny how the truth can be twisted to fit anyone's perspective._

 _The awkward looks I got had me retreating from the only place I still regularly went to._

 _Now, even that is gone._

 _I guess that makes me a true recluse._


	41. Chapter 41

_The brightness of the sun seemed offensive when my very soul dwelled in absolute darkness. His death wasn't unexpected, but it still robbed me from precious moments I wish we'd had the opportunity to share. Despite the pain he endure through the months preceding his passing, his face was serene–the look of a man who'd managed to atone for his sins._

 _As I stood by his grave, I wondered if he even had that many sins to start with. Having a son like me probably wasn't easy. And I made sure to make it even harder. I always thought he'd denied me his love, but when death threatened and his walls fell I understood … He'd always loved me. Not in the way I needed, but in the way he knew how._

 _At least I got to hug him and call him dad before he went away forever._


	42. Chapter 42

_The first time we kissed it wasn't all magical and stuff._

 _It was awkward actually, but we managed._

 _People made fun of her for hanging out with the resident weirdo._

 _But whatever. I used to think she was cool. That she didn't mind that I'm different. I thought I had found someone._

 _How fucking stupid._

 _She was after him, of course._

 _And of course she got him._

 _On my fucking bed, no less._

 _Why couldn't he let me have at least one just for myself?_

 _I guess I am not made for happiness._

 _I guess my life is always going to be weird._

 _Different._


	43. Chapter 43

Her face was a blur and her name a mystery. However, the exhilarating feeling of stealing her away from his brother was vivid in Edward's memory. Contrary to what Jasper wrote in his diary, Edward had actually worked really hard on luring her away from Jasper. The poor girl had been nothing but a pawn on the sick games he used to play.

Most of his friends had been the same, but none of them had had a brother like Jasper. He should have been more careful, more understanding, more humane–less of a teenager and more of a brother. Edward guessed that unlike his brother, he was a late bloomer. Being a good person didn't come naturally to him–it was a learned skill.


	44. Chapter 44

_It was just another day until it wasn't._

 _She was standing by my front door._

 _I hadn't seen her in years, not since her mother had gotten a restraining order._

 _Aline._

 _Of course it was emotional._

 _Of course there were hugs and promises. However, no matter how hard we tried we no longer were father and daughter. There was no shared history, no common ground._

 _Just two strangers trying to pretend that the past fifteen years had never happened._

 _When she said goodbye we promised to keep in touch. And we will until things fizzle out. Until she gives up investing on an old crazy man like me._

 _And just like that I lost her all over again._


	45. Chapter 45

_Sometimes I almost regret going away to college._

 _Like today._

 _Man, I'm gonna miss that crazy old chick._

 _Esme is like all prickly on the outside, but so soft and cuddly on the inside._

 _Or something like that._

 _It's not easy saying goodbye to your only friend. Especially when you are moving towards better things and she is going to be left all alone._

 _After mowing her lawn for the last time, I took her hand and we danced the whole afternoon._

 _It was nice._

 _She even cried a little._

 _I try to be tough, but I have this weird feeling that I will never see her again._


	46. Chapter 46

_The seemingly chaotic pattern of the autumn leaves fascinated me. For hours I sat on the hard ground trying to figure out the equation guiding their fall. The entire world faded away as I was entranced by the majesty of nature's imperfection. My eyes filled with tears as my heart burst with the unbearable melancholy of being one with such unappreciated simplicity._

 _I don't know how much time I spent there, but given my mother's panic I think it's safe to say it was more than a few hours. Her hugs were unwanted and unnecessary, so are her tears. But I felt too numb to protest the closeness, too deep into a well of despair to even attempt to._

 _I feel suffocated and limited._

 _What's wrong with me?_


	47. Chapter 47

_My lips were upon hers as my arms encircled her slight figure bringing her body closer to my burning one. I will never forget the passion I felt or the way she responded._

 _So soft and pliant._

 _So ready to give in to me._

 _I will never forget how perfect it felt or how right it was._

 _Oh, Bella … how you devastate me._

 _It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I am proud to say I did it._

 _Cupping her face, I told her all she meant to me before placing a parting kiss on her cheek._

 _I want her, but she is not meant for me._

 _And I would never hurt my brother that way._


	48. Chapter 48

_Daddy gave me this book to write my feelings._

 _I don't know what I have to say here._

 _Maybe I can pretend I am talking to a friend?_

 _But I never had one. Don't know what to say._

 _Maybe I can write the things I don't say. It's not that I don't know how to say it. It's just that I don't want to. Like it isn't important enough. Then I don't say them._

 _They are always inside my head and only there. Daddy doesn't like it, I know. But I really, really don't want to talk._

 _Maybe if I write daddy will be happy?_

 _I hope he is!_


	49. Chapter 49

_The effortless melancholy of the snow covered landscape outside arises unwanted memories of all that was lost. The ghosts of squandered dreams and wasted promises threaten with the dark shadow of loneliness while the ruthless mind tortures with the delicacy of what might have been. There is a touch of the forbidden in indulging such forlorn thoughts and I am helpless to their alluring misery._

 _A ray of light is stubbornly breaking through the gloom sky as if reminding me that there is always hope. I am trying really hard to cling to that idea …_

 _Maybe I just need to distract myself from the everlasting sadness within._

 _Maybe I should push my old piano outside, over the frozen lake, and replace the coldness tainting the air with the wistful notes of ballad about something as trivial as longing for a different life._

 _Maybe today is going to be a good day after all._


	50. Chapter 50

In his brother's last words he'd hoped to find an answer. However, what obviously was Jasper's last entry betrayed nothing of his intentions when he'd decided to brave the frozen lake. Whether his death was intentional or not it would forever remain a mystery to those left behind. Overcome by grief, Edward tore the many unread pages he still held in his hand. There was no point in keep on violating his brother's private thoughts when there would be no answer to the question torturing him.

He just wished he'd been a better person, a more understanding brother, a good friend to Jasper's lonely soul … or that he'd just had arrived to surprise his little brother a little bit earlier. But there was no turning back. No saving Jasper from his sad fate. No answers. No parting words or last message …

Just the unbearable waste of someone gone too soon.

* * *

Make sure you tell all your loved ones how much they mean to you. We never know when it will be too late.

Merry Christmas everyone!


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